?

Log in

pregnancychoice

Odd question

« previous entry | next entry »
Nov. 5th, 2006 | 01:28 pm
mood: nervousnervous
posted by: djonma in pregnancychoice

This may not entirely belong here; I'm not pregnant, in fact the point is that I'm vaguely planning to never get pregnant.

My boyfriend and I talked about babies last night since it was our 5th anniversary.
Normally when we talk about babies, I get broody and he finds it funny and tries to distract me from seriously thinking about babies, but he did say yesterday that we would probably need to have had kids within 5 years, since he'll be coming up to his 38th birthday in 5 years.

So I started to think about it, and a worry I've had came up.

I have a lot of bad medical conditions.
I am physically disabled and I have mental health problems.
1 of the conditions I have confirmed DX for has a tendancy to be passed on to children this can be very physically disabling.
1 is a definite genetic coding, and that's my mental health issue.
1 of the conditions I'm waiting for tests to confirm is a genetic coding thing as well.
1 of the conditions I have I don't know about; apparently it's just about impossible that I was born with it on both sides of my body anyway.
1 of the conditions I'm not sure about whether it's inheritable, but my Dad and my Sister have it...

And I have minor asthma and psoriasis, and my boyfriend has pretty bad excma so our kids would probably get excma (sorry I don't know how to spell that!) as well.

Ignoring the physical difficulties I'd have to go through to actually carry a baby 9 months and give birth, I'm REALLY worried that if we have children they're going to have to suffer the horrible disabilities I've suffered from.
If I got pregnant, there would be no question; we would have that child. I am pro-choice, but I could not have an abortion myself due to Religious beliefs.
My boyfriend is ok with that and fully supportive of that choice.
But although I think that giving a disabled child the chance of a life is a good thing, I'm not sure I could actively plan for a child when I know that doing that could bring a disabled child in to the world. I don't think it would be fair.
And there are plenty of children needing adoption who would benefit massively from a couple that really do want children and would love them where they may not have the best life in the foster system.

Is this the right decision?
We're not even going to be trying right now; I'm a mature student, and looking at it I think the best time regarding my degree, and our ages is probably in 2-3 years, but it's nagging at me now, and I've heard that adoption can take years, especially since I'm disabled, though they say that won't count against me; in fact it can be a good thing because any children we adopt would learn about disability early in life, or we'd have a better idea of how to cope with a child with disabilities.

Also, if anyone knows; I was abused as a child, will that count against me at all? I personally think it's more likely to make me love children more and make sure they're protected, but there's all those weird stats out there about abused kids becoming abusers themselves and stuff; it worries me that social services might not want to adopt a child out to someone who was abused.

If this is the wrong community to ask this, I'm sorry!
I couldn't find another really active community to ask this!

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Comments {11}

Cara

(no subject)

from: wickey29
date: Nov. 6th, 2006 08:37 am (UTC)
Link

this is a great community to discuss your parenting options. open adoption and family services, based in portland, oregon has information and FAQs about the adoption process.

i think that whatever choice you make, that feels right for you (and your partner), is right. nobody can tell you that it's wrong - there's no need for judgement with personal matters. there will always be opinions, but my advice is to hold tight to what you believe is right for your well-being, your present, and your future. also, if you need to talk about your feelings or parenting options, feel free to call backline at 1-888-493-0092.

Reply | Thread

Just some person

(no subject)

from: djonma
date: Nov. 6th, 2006 09:35 am (UTC)
Link

Unfortunately American adoption info isn't much help to me, I'm in England. Thanks though.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Cara

(no subject)

from: wickey29
date: Nov. 6th, 2006 06:53 pm (UTC)
Link

i'm sorry! i didn't mean to be us-centric. i didnt realize that you are in england.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Just some person

(no subject)

from: djonma
date: Nov. 6th, 2006 07:47 pm (UTC)
Link

Heh, not your fault!
I should really have mentioned that in my original post.

Reply | Parent | Thread

electric misfit love machine

(no subject)

from: eyelid
date: Nov. 6th, 2006 09:19 pm (UTC)
Link

If this is the wrong community to ask this, I'm sorry!

Don't worry about that - this is certainly a place for discussing reproductive decisions.

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking: are you considering sterilization, or just thinking about adoption/fostering, or just wondering in general if your physical condition makes it unwise/immoral for you to have children?

As for sterilization, that's entirely up to you. If you feel certain that you morally do not feel it is right to have a child, it is absolutely your right to make sure that doesn't happen. On the other hand, I myself would probably choose to keep my options open. Your feelings on the subject may change over time, especially as you mention that you are "feeling broody." anyway, there's no right and wrong here, just what's right for you :)

re: Adoption: I think adopting and/or fostering are wonderful goals. I would be surprised if the disability would be counted against you in terms of UK adoption (assuming you're still functional enough to care for a child). Overseas adoption, though, sometimes comes with more strings (each country has its own rules; for instance, Korea won't let people adopt Korean children if the prospective parents weigh "too much"!).

It is true that adoption takes a long time, and is often extremely expensive (if you adopt internationally, for instance, $15-20k is standard). However, it is easier, faster and cheaper if you decide you are willing to adopt certain types of children for which demand is lower:

-disabled children
-older children
-sibling groups
-African-american children (I'm not sure how this works with you being in England, though! :)
-children born with drug addictions or other growth factors

...there are often special programs, grants, etc for people willing to adopt such children.

social services might not want to adopt a child out to someone who was abused

It is certainly something that would be explored in your application process/homestudy. I don't think it would bar you from adoption, though. A good social worker should be assessing you for your own qualifications and temperament, not penalizing you for having been abused.

helpful website on UK adoption:
http://www.direct.gov.uk/Parents/AdoptionAndFostering/fs/en

Reply | Thread

(no subject)

from: ex_statistiq356
date: Nov. 18th, 2006 02:31 am (UTC)
Link

You're still very young to have children, and so is he. So I wouldn't worry about it yet.

Reply | Thread

Just some person

(no subject)

from: djonma
date: Nov. 18th, 2006 08:07 am (UTC)
Link

No we're not.
Like I said; he'll be 38 in 5 years, so we want to have kids before then ideally.
I grew up with a very old father, and whilst I love him and wouldn't change him for anything, I know exactly how difficult it can be.

Reply | Parent | Thread

(no subject)

from: ex_statistiq356
date: Nov. 19th, 2006 09:26 pm (UTC)
Link

By "still very young" I just mean you're certainly not old.

I would be less focused on planning kids, and more focused on the fact that (from the information you've given us) he seems to be pressuring you into having them and having them soon (and you are very young), despite all of the very understandable reasons you've given for being apprehensive about bearing children at all.

I'm just saying, there seems to be more going on, and I hope you are able to face and handle those issues first.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Just some person

(no subject)

from: djonma
date: Nov. 20th, 2006 12:59 pm (UTC)
Link

Heh, he's definitely not pressuring me at all.
I'm the one who brings up babies all the time.
He just acknowledged that he would be 38 in 5 years time, so it's probably the right time to start thinking about them.
Before that if I ever mentioned babies he just rolled his eyes.

And I've not really talked to him yet about these thoughts.

Reply | Parent | Thread

(no subject)

from: ex_statistiq356
date: Nov. 21st, 2006 05:05 pm (UTC)
Link

Out of curiosity, why is 38 such a magic number? Many men father children well into their 40s, and are only in their 50s (which is certainly not old) when the kids graduate from high school and leave home.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Just some person

(no subject)

from: djonma
date: Nov. 21st, 2006 05:12 pm (UTC)
Link

It was just in 5 years time. We were discussing it on our 5th anniversary, so we were talking about what would be happening in another 5 years. And it's nearly his birthday now, so it will be nearly his 38th in 5 years. And we both thought that was probably old enough to have kids.
And I think it may be a bit different over here. I know I was always the odd one out because my Dad was very old.

Reply | Parent | Thread